I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
