When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
