You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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