Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
