what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
