I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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