There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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