I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
