My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So apparently I’m into choking now
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
