Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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