in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
