The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
