So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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