I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
