I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
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there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
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I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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