Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
