I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
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How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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