I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
