tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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