I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
