I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
