When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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