I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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