just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize