Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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