Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
