yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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