I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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