im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
