Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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