She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
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I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
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I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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