I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
