I accidentally burped into my bong.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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