ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Still dying that you shit outside
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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