Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
