I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
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i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
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she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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