In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
