I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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