your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
