The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
