There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
