so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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