they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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