Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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