The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
