my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
