I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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