I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
