And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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