So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
