someone owes me an orgasm
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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