My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
