I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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