Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
