More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
