I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
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